When the leaves fall in the Columbia Gorge, there is a hint of the holidays in the air. Some parents start to feel overwhelmed with the anticipation of Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year celebrations. Paying attention to our children’s basic needs, as well as our own, helps the whole family keep on track during the holiday season. When you pay attention to your family’s needs, you and your children will feel more grounded, have stability, feel connected, maintain confidence, and everyone feels better during the holidays.
Let’s start with our Basic Needs
Physiological Needs (food, drink, warmth, sleep, comfort)
Safety Needs (security, stability, protection)
Belonging / Love Needs (connection: relationships, family, community)
Esteem Needs (confidence, self esteem, self worth)
Potential Needs (growth, our best self)
Abraham Maslow (humanist physiologist) developed the hierarchy of basic needs after he studied why successful people were able to tap into their potential. Everyone has basic needs. Whether we talk about children’s needs or parent needs, at some level we are trying to satisfy these needs in daily life. Our basic needs are satisfied in sequential order. Parents get their needs met while helping children meet their needs. At times parents may feel guilty when paying attention to their own needs. But usually what happens is you are happier and more content parents when your needs are satisfied in a reasonable and respectful way. You make better partners, moms, dads, neighbors, friends and workers. When your needs are satisfied, they can help children get their needs met. Resulting in families feeling more content and happy.
Five intentions to help children/parents get needs met during the holidays
Physiological Needs: Making sure you are getting enough sleep is essential. When we stay up beyond our normal bedtime, children and adults feel irritable, cranky, and find it difficult to concentrate. Be gentle and patient towards each other. When family members are tired, it is not a good idea to go shopping or add on more things to do until you get caught up on sleep. Eat nutritional meals. During this busy time, it is important to eat good meals on a regular basis. Make an effort to reduce/limit sweets. This is difficult with parties and relatives around, but well worth the effort. Always have healthy snacks on hand for your children. When we alter our sleeping and eating habits, we tend to get run down or even sick. Paying attention to this basic need will help your family stay healthy and less stressed.
Safety/Predictability Needs: For children, this need is the one that can frequently and easily be disrupted. With parents having holiday commitments, working late and commuting, and relatives staying over, daily routines can get all mixed up. When that happens, children and adults become anxious and stressed. During the holidays, it is important to communicate with your family about what is going to happen that day or week as early as possible. This upfront communication builds trust and reduces stress. Making an activities calendar for the family also
helps. For younger children, having the same caregiver or sitter is key to a smoother evening for them and you. If everyone is cranky and stressed try to remember to slow down and concentrate on getting back to a daily routine, even if it is just for a couple of days. This is the time of year when your communication and organization can really make a difference. Everyone will benefit.
Belonging /Love Needs: During the holidays, parents and families tend to connect with friends and relatives. However, your immediate family can lose connection with each other. Make it a priority to spend time with each other. When making plans for the week, write in when you will spend one-on-one time with each child and partner. Make an effort to notice and give each other support. Saying “I love you” or “I miss you” is simple, and can mean so much. Be in the moment. Be present instead of bringing presents. This is very important and it’s free.
Esteem Needs: During the holidays, families can take each other for granted. Appreciation feeds confidence and confidence builds self esteem. When children and partners don’t feel appreciated or encouraged on a regular basis, life gets dull and resentment builds up. We need each other to take note in what we are doing. Tell your child they are doing a good job or making an effort. Send words of support and encouragement in notes under pillows, in lunch boxes or in backpacks. It will make you both feel good that you noticed. You feel more confident as a parent and the child’s self esteem will benefit.
Self-actualization: When needs are satisfied, children and parents feel comfortable, safe, loved, accepted, and will be the best they can be that day. There will always be negotiating and compromising going on in our family during the holidays. The difference is that the family members that get their basic needs satisfied will feel safe and confident to express themselves in healthy ways. There can actually be peace in our homes as well as peace on earth. This model is a good overview. Understanding the importance of these basic needs makes a difference in how we relate to our children during calm as well as stressful times. It can be reassuring and build confidence as a parent. When a parent feels confident, there is increased harmony in the family and the whole family can enjoy each other.